When I was a little girl I wasn't treated very nice by a lot of people. All my peers were just hateful and  I had about 4 adults in my life that I trusted and who actually gave a shit about me as a person.  My mother, my maternal grandfather, (my maternal grandmother gave a shit but she died when I was 6), my maternal Aunt and Uncle.  My dad just used me as a punching bag and whatever else he could get me to do for him and let me tell you he sure did a number on this chick. He never kept a job and was always screwing something up financially to make my mother have to work harder and longer, this in turn made her depressed and she even doubted that she was a good person that God or anyone else would want to love.  She should have left him but she had her reasoning.  Well when I became an adult I basically disrespected him as much as I possibly could and then stopped speaking to him all together.  This lasted until my mother passed away when I was 31 and my brother, who maintained contact with him, was going to have his 1st biological child(Prior to this birth, he inherited a beautiful little girl that he would raise as his daughter)  Well anyway.... wanting to keep a protective eye on the new additions to my life I decided I would resume contact with my dad.  The relationship was rocky and eventually we discussed my childhood on few occasions.  I was given a sincere "sorry" and I felt he was but the scars will never heal.... Either way I vowed I would never let a man treat me bad again.  Well I somehow have gotten myself exactly where my mother was when I was a child.

All my life all I ever wanted was to be a wife and a mom.  I really didn't aspire to much else and thought that being able to be a great partner to someone and a great mom to at least one child would be the absolute greatest thing in the world.  I dreamed of my wedding day and how beautiful, fun and loving it would be.  I had expectations of just how wonderful it would be to be pregnant, give birth and share my new baby with my husband and family.  I looked forward to having family holidays and parties with extended family members.  I grew up and continued my search for Mr. Right so we could start a life together and have a family.  I fell in love with a man who loved me back but couldn't commit to me for some reason.  He could to others and did but in the end he always came back to me.  What was so wrong with me.  We would have had an awesome life!!  Together we could have had the 3 kids both of us wanted, the family holiday's ( I got along great with his parents and my mom loved him to pieces) But he chose to go off with some bitch who would only give him 1 child cause she didn't want to get fat and didn't even want the one she had let alone anymore.  She was mean to his family and took them for every last dime she could get out of them.  Our wedding would have been extraordinary!!  But he was s dumb ass.  He even said to me that he regretted making the decisions he made and that he never saw what was right in front of him for so long.

I eventually met someone who wanted to marry me and have children with me.  I thought he loved me and I thought I loved him.  But I'm not so sure he really loved me or just needed a permanent place to live.

Wow it's been over a year since I posted,  lots has happened, nothing earth shattering or life changing only normal change.  Lets see... where to start?  As of today Pen K and Gigi are living with us.  Penny was out of work so long that it got to a point they wouldn't renew her lease and when her lease was up for renewal she had just started a part time job and it wasn't enough.  I'm glad she let me help her.  They are both staying in Rylie's room.  I hope they don't feel too couped up.  I know how that feels being corralled into one room. I mean she can come out into the living room etc... but I'm sure she and Julia feel a bit awkward living in such a small space with 3 other people.  Scott has been tolerable but he can be a pill at times.  Anyway since they've been here I've gotten the toilet fixed, the garbage disposal and the dishwasher fixed and all my laundry done including blankets.  I think for me it's been a win win situation.  :)  I would rather live with her than Scott. He doesn't clean up anything and spends free time either asleep or at the poker room.  


I had an interview with Volusia County Sheriff Office on June 7th.  It went ok I guess.  I just have to sit and wait for a call.  The only bad thing is that they could offer me a position that is contingent on drug test, background check and possible polygraph.  I don't have anything to hide though other than the fact that I have taken prescription drugs that weren't prescribed to me in the past.  I worry about that.  


Our girl scout troop is still hanging in there.  We just bridged to brownies at Gemini Springs and then celebrated the bridging of the whole organization at Epcot.  We had a really nice weekend.  I got a little stressed at Epcot when I was asked to lead the group and as soon as I started nobody wanted to follow.  Leading the girls is one thing but it is almost impossible to lead grown ups.  Also some are not as willing to let their little ones experience things even if the little one insists they are ready to explore i.e. the Sorin ride,  child "I really want to do it" Mom "you won't like it and I'm not going to put you on it."  "but mom I really want to try it" "no!"  This went on and on until we were all on a boat slowly moving about learning about fossil fuels and horticulture.  As long as my kid can't stand up and jump off, if she says she wants to try it... we try it.  Well as long as it's legal.  She's ready to drive a car but I have to make her wait till neither one of us will lose our driver's license.  ;)  Oh and her being able to see over the steering wheel would be good too.  Oops off on a tangent....  I will also be taking on a 4th grade junior troop too.  We have 3 girls so far 2 from St Peter's and one from Stetson Baptist.  


Well enough for now.  

A Year Later :) April 2 2012

So here it is a year later after my last post!!  I lost this link and could not for the life of me figure out how to get back to it.  I found it by accident along with a few other things.  I accidently googled ryebug04 and pulled up a twitter account and a youtube video of rylie and I messing around with the computer.  So Rylie has grown quite a bit in the last year she is becoming more cognitive of the world around her.  School is going good for her, she is still going to St Peter's Catholic and loves it.  We are in our 2nd year of Girl Scouts and we will be bridging to brownies at Epcot on May 26th 2012.  Well here are some pics 

I'm back....

So tonight we go to Chili's in support of my daughter's school (10% of the bill goes to the school) as if I don't pay enough in money I now have to pay in calories, what's next ....blood.  After her attitude tonight they can have Rylie's blood.  That kid is crazy.... I love her so much and she should be glad I do because if I didn't I'd have sold her to the highest bidder by now.  Anyway she is quite the social butterfly and she had to make her rounds and say "hi" to everyone.  She is only 6 but acts just like an aspiring teenager.  She is just amazing to watch. 

I love her so much... She will never know how much she is loved.  Maybe when she has her own kids she will have a clue but not until then. 

Today was Grandparents day at her school.  I wish my mom or Scott's mom could have been there.  It breaks my heart to know that I will never see my mom and her together.  Damn Cancer.....  She was so attached to Scott's mom Sue.  We talk about her all the time.  I hope Rylie doesn't forget her but I think she is already forgetting things about her.  I get sadder thinking about how whe lost Sue from her life than I do that she will never know the love my mom would have given her.  I wish I could photoshop a picture and put the two together.  I have a picture of my niece with my mom maybe I could scan it and then take Gigi out and put Rylie in.   We'll see. 

So heres the thing...

Post numero uno!!! The maiden voyage :)

I'm sitting here at work and crap happens that I feel this knawing need to write down (vent about).  I feel the need for a blog!!  I say to myself.... self, others may find this crap just as interesting, funny or annoying, so I researched how to create a blog and here I am.  Only now I have spent so much time researching, creating the blog, not to mention doing my JOB... I have actually forgotten why I was so annoyed to begin with, see the blog has helped already.  I hope to come here and write down anything my little heart desires and just maybe someone will read it and feel better too.  Well this is the end for now.  I have so much more to post but that will have to wait till after work.